PTSD... Episode 11.
-Drake*
Unpublished Works, © 2026, BillyPauleyJr.*
EPISODE 11.
“Nooooo!” my nightmare ending… I jumped up to find myself sitting on my living room couch, tv rolling with the 24/7 news. Currently covering the war, it was not hard to connect the turmoil of my unyielding nightmares to my reality. My skin and bones feeling every sound effect monitored by my PTSD. I knew the nightmare wasn’t real, wasn’t happening now, but it didn’t matter ‘cos at one time it was. The pain of what was looming greater than the comfort of what is… the nonsense of it all made it complicated. “I was safe, right?”
I stood up and decided to take a drive… calm down. A few blocks away in the small town of Knob Noster, a high school football game was going on. I was relieved as the game relatively set the time of day for me; otherwise, I was clueless. My sleeping patterns did not afford me the ability to discern time of day. And I had not yet concerned myself with wanting to know. I was awake most of the time now anyway and not knowing the exact time did not hinder me in any way.
After a peaceful sit in the stands, not caring or knowing about the game… zoned out, but tuned in… I realized the game was over. My escape was closing… time to leave. Traffic was heavy for such a small town. Everyone was here, everyone was leaving. I was moving slowly onto the street and suddenly there was a loud bang… what sounded like gunfire! I slammed on my brakes and jumped out of my jeep hitting the ground. More shots rang out as I made my way to the vehicle behind me. Horns honking, I did not understand why no one was taking cover. I stood up, looked at the woman in the vehicle behind me and yelled, “Get out! Get down!” She didn’t look afraid of anything, but me. “What?”I was looking around. I saw, in the parking lot, several kids setting off fireworks. They were celebrating. “Damn. Fuck me.” Immediately I came to the embarrassing conclusion that this was not gunfire; no one was in danger. I put my head down, angry at myself, got back into my jeep and drove to the local Sonic Drive-In to get dinner.
I sat in my jeep shaking. My body still reverberating the fear that I’ve since recognized as false. I knew the war was only attacking me inwardly, but I could not turn off the physical shaking… I slammed my fist into my steering wheel. “Stop! Fuck!”
I wasn’t sitting there long when a local police officer pulled up behind me and put his lights on. He approached my window. “Sir, I’m Officer Bratton. We got a call that your vehicle, possibly you, were involved in a disturbance near the high school.”
I nodded, having trouble looking up into the lights toward the officer.
“Could I have you follow my cruiser to the police station for a statement, please?”
“Sure,” I managed to answer and started my jeep.
He pulled away and waited for me to follow… I did. The police station was literally next door, just between Sonic and the town bank. It was a small town.
I followed Officer Bratton into the station. He explained the nature of the complaint as I listened distantly, attending mostly to my physical calm. I was trying hard not to show my struggles, from time to time chiming in with my short, faint agreements to the charge… disturbing the peace.
“You okay?” came his observant concern.
“Yes sir,” I was burning inside. “I was saving them. I didn’t know it wasn’t real. I am only guilty of bringing the peace; you’ve got it all wrong!” I screamed in my tho’ts as I stared at the floor.
“Well, sir, I have to place you under arrest for disturbing the peace. You may call someone to pay your bail which is set at four hundred dollars.”
I bent down, no doubt showing my anguish. It was so much… my mind was a total wreck.
“Do you have someone to call?” he asked as he continued to book me.
“No.”
“Do you have the cash money on you?”
“No.”
“Sir, you are military, correct? With the Air Force base here?”
“Yes.”
“Is there a commander or first sergeant you’d like to call?”
“No.”
“I can help you…”
“Please! Stop helping me!” I was showing my aggravation. He backed off momentarily.
After giving me a moment, “Mister Pauley, I do not want to see you spend the night here in our jail, but it is an option. You haven’t been any trouble, and no one was hurt tonight. Your only violation was a disturbance.”
“Disturbance…” I said, feeling the pain of the accusation. “Fuck! That hurt. I was a warrior for peace! Fuck! Stop saying that word as my descriptor! The peace I won is far greater than your fucking peace broken! Fuck!” was filling my head.
“You will have a date to speak to a judge about the circumstances,” he stated; seemingly feeling my angst.
He finished the paperwork, the fingerprints and photos. We sat in silence. Him staring at me and me staring at the floor.
“Mr. Pauley,” he started.
“Yes?”
“I’m not supposed to do this, but if I let you go to the ATM at the bank next door would you be able to post your own bail?”
I looked up at him. He gave me a look that said somehow, he understood me. That I was a disturbance of the peace, only by the letter of the law he had sworn to uphold; not by demonstration of intent. Maybe.
“I feel like I can trust you.”
“Yessir,” I brightened inside only to a higher shade gray; still none-the-less more hopeful in my hopelessness.
He handed me my wallet. I took my bank card only to show him his trust was warranted. After getting the money and posting bail Officer Bratton gave me my belongings and I shook his hand, “Thank you,” came out awkwardly, but I was truly thankful for the way he came across with me. Besides being a small town and a bit lackadaisical in processes, he showed me his personal commitment to safety and preservation of peace even when it meant arresting me for the disturbance of it. I just felt he somehow understood me; for no reason.
“Your court date is set here,” he handed me a copy of the information. “The judge is fair and will hear you out. I encourage you to come and she may dismiss it, you never know.”
“Yeah,” was all I said, but inwardly thinking, “but I’m guilty… right?”
“You be safe now, Mr. Pauley,” he stood outside as I made my way to my jeep. “You live right over there, right?” he said pointing across a field to my home.
“Yes.”
“I tho’t so. We are proud of you, Mr. Pauley.”
Stopped at the brink of sitting in my jeep I stood up again, “What?”
“Yessir, when we read about you in the paper and my father told me he used to go to school with you. My uncle also served… well, we’ve just been proud. I’m sorry this had to happen.”
“Okay…” I was dumbfounded. He had disclosed more of why things went this way. He didn’t shirk his job, but applied it as gently as he could for me… “a small-town hero?” I had gone to school in this town when my father was stationed here years ago. I knew the Bratton family; he was right about me… and I was breathing much easier knowing this. It was a much-welcomed relief. I stood staring… I wanted to leave, but wanted to engage… I was physically sick and emotionally reaching. Still, I said nothing. I couldn’t; I didn’t want to speak, yet in an odd way wanted to tell him so. What a confluence of doubt and curiosity stalling me.
“Who is your father? Who is your uncle? What did you read about me? How do you know where I live? Why such humanity and forgiveness towards me? Who are you?”Tho’ts coming in quicker than I knew how to deal with. Did I really want to get into this? No, I just wanted to leave; but what a wealth of compassion to just leave behind. I felt the labyrinthine motion of my fear pulling me away from what appeared to be an open door. I couldn’t embrace my good fortune; I had to leave.
“Eddie,” he said as if answering my unspoken question. He smiled, “Call me, Eddie. Have a great day, Mr. Pauley. Stay safe.”
I half-smiled, waved, nodded and drove away. At my home I looked across the field to see him watching me go to my door. I was safe.
The following month I stood before Judge Miller and pled guilty. In as much as I disliked the label, my fight to defend peace is less without it. There is no greater or lesser peace.
-Drake*
PTSD …is a Smokey the Toad™ production.
Please find me here Sundays for more PTSD episodes… be safe!